6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
