my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
