I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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