Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
