Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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