I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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