By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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