the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
