I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
