I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
