I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize