my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
