It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
