Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
