I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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