my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Your dad touched me again.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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