So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
