also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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