he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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