Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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