The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
