oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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