Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
