i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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