she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.