When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
