I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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