Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
