He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
