You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
