The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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