Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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