One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize