Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
