I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
