It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
