I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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