Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
