Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize