I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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