You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
