How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
