First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
