it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
