I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
