oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
