we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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