how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
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I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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