Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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