I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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