Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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