Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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