Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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