I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
