the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
