I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
