I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
